Big Changes

Big changes at the Crim house. And before any of you baby-crazy people out there go nuts, NO, I AM NOT PREGNANT! I'll leave that job up to Prego Prestrud. Four is as far as this party barge goes, and no farther, Lord willing.

But a mighty shift in our family has occured, and those of you who know us well will understand how mighty it is... the boys are going to public school.

What a journey this has been! For three years now I have schooled sweet Jay, and last year both he and Ethan, and all the while I have become more convinced that it was what we needed to do. Homeschooling is wonderful--the time with your child, the ability to see the lightbulbs go on inside their little minds, the ample opportunities to process life and faith...the list could go on and on. I have been one of homeschooling's loudest cheerleaders, and will continue to be. Though it is not God's plan for everyone, I believe in it. And by God's grace, we will come back to it.

But when a mom goes so far into her duties of mothering, homemaking, and schooling that she begins to spiral downward into depression, anger, and hopelessness; when her thoughts begin to turn dark and she wonders if her children would be better off without her; when she realizes that most of her interaction with her children is tainted by irritation, anger, resentment, scolding, and anxiety; and when the thought of starting school in one month causes her to crawl into the fetal position...it may be time to lay the mantle of homeschooling down for a season.

Since May I have been begging God to show up in this department. Knowing that I was overwhelmed in every sense of the word, exhausted and beyond tapped out, I cried out for Him to lead, to restore me. But for 2 months now I have felt no answer--no bolt of renewed energy or determination and no release to give up yet. And as the weeks have ticked by, aware that my depression was not lifting despite the break from school, I began to become more concerned that indeed there would be no great change in the time needed. In fact, the darkness was just growing deeper.

Then came Wednesday, when God released me into a new path. The night before I had sat on my bed, crying, journaling, and begging God to deliver me from my melancholy. I now knew that something big needed to change, but asked God to show me what. The next day I ended up going over to a friend's house who, in the course of our time together, expressed to me her concern over my current state and my stubborn refusal to let go of homeschooling. She warned me not to let it become bondage and had many other good things to say. As I pondered her words and my response in my heart, I came to a point of clarity I have long been missing. The change I needed was to let my children go to school and take a time to rest. And what was before a completely unthinkable idea, suddenly was a sweet answer from the One who never forgets to answer--in His time. I knew I was free to follow a different path, and with His blessing.

Brian and I spoke the next night. It was not an easy decision for him, either, and ultimately, it was his to make. As the leader of our home, I must follow him, but I did my best to clearly explain to him my desperation and the depth of my certainty that this was the only option. He did not give his assent immediately, but over the course of the next two days and several conversations, he slowly came to agree and gave me the green light to move forward.

An enormous weight has been lifted from my chest. Along with all the many emotions I am currently feeling--sadness, excitement, uncertainty, and some fear--is the predominant feeling of relief. A new life has been given to me, and a new life is just beginning for our family--an adventure we have not yet experienced. It is hard to express my sense of relief--it is too great for words. I have hope again!

The boys took it like I thought they would: Jay cried and Ethan cried because Jay cried and then said he was excited for recess. My tender-hearted Jay expressed his sadness at not being home, and his shock at the sudden change. But by tonight at bedtime, after listening to our neighbor Lucy (who also attends Jay and Ethan's new school) about all of the fun, interesting, and delicious things that await them this year, they were both expressing their enthusiasm. Ethan wants to start tomorrow. It will be an adjustment, I know. But we will go through it together...because this Momma--as worn out as she is right now--wants nothing more than to walk this road together with her beautiful children, trusting in our gracious God to care for them when she is not by their side. I am scared about this. It is all so new for me. Will He remind them of what is right when they are tempted to choose the wrong? Will He encourage their hearts and hold them close when they are confused or scared? Of course we will do these things when they come home to us in the afternoon, but it is difficult to let them go where I will not be all the time.

So, that's it for now. I'm sure there will be more. I know our decision may be disappointing to some of you. I pray it will not be discouraging. But for those of you out there who love us and feel led, could I ask you to please give me a call sometime over the next few weeks as we settle into this new course...to remind me that God is big, that He will be with my precious boys, and that I can trust His hand? I would so appreciate the encouragement and support of my friends during this tough--and wonderful--transition.

Thanks for listening.