It has been a horrible day. Woke up feeling down and lonely. I'm a spontaneity-loving extrovert living a scheduled and isolated homeschool-mom life. By midweek of going hard at school I find myself struggling. And today was bad. Maybe it's 3rd trimester hormones--I do find myself wanting to cry a lot these days, which is unusual for me. Maybe it's B's extra work hours lately which mean I have extra hours with the kids. I really don't know.
Today all those things I've been learning about serving my God joyfully through all the trials and sacrifices felt hollow and unreachable. Today all I wanted to do was be alone or with a friend, without kids asking for things. It was all I could do to get an hour of school done, and by the end of that I had lost my temper and was yelling at the kids, slamming the door as I pushed them outside. Misery. Now I felt guilty, too, because of my lack of self-control and subsequent angry outbursts.
My honest question tonight is this: where is God when we are completely empty--poured out and exasperated? When one more question, one more sibling argument, one more noise, will put us over the edge and we find ourselves yelling angrily at our kids and saying things that crush their spirits? The Word says that God always provides a way out from temptation. So what is that way out in these moments of crisis? In my experience he doesn't often swoop in and miraculously anoint me with greater self-control, peace, or patience. Instead, I almost always give in and react out of anger and frustration, taking it out on the little ones God has given me to love and care for.
Some say I'm being too hard on myself. But I only want to live the way He calls me to, and sometimes that just seems impossible. Even when I am calling out for his strength.
Right now I just don't get it.
6 comments:
I am so with ya!! I mean it. It has been a week of this for me. This morning as one cherub asked(whined)for something and two others got to arguing....a choice was laid before me. I put my head in my hands and prayed. I just sat there with all of the chaos swirling around me. Only when I felt some measure of self control did I raise my head and speak softly. So often this week I have yelled. Too many times to count. I do try to put myself in timeout, count out loud or simply close my eyes but, when my 2 year old bites the baby...I REACT! This is so hard!! I am praying for you and I, girl. Please know that!!
We need a girls night. Love and miss you my extrovert cheeseburger friend.
Praying for you Jen, and with you in all of the things you talked about. I thought maybe it was just me. Thank God for "B" and praise God because He hears the cry of your heart!
You're absolutely right, God doesn't just swoop in and anoint us with patience. It is a fruit of the spirit, not a gift. It is cultivated. We work to grow it. We must purpose to nurture it along.
Just because you feel you aren't "there" doesn't mean you aren't growing. It seems evident that you have a heart to do right and that is what God asks. In your situation, when I have felt that my heart is truly desiring to please God, and I feel absolutely unable to do it, completely dejected, and like a total failure I have found two things to help enormously.
#1--Get a good night's sleep. Especially when you're expecting and dealing with demanding little ones you can be overcome with physical exhaustion that Satan just loves to use to bring you down and convince you that you're separated from God. If things look better in the morning you may realize that the spiritual trials are mostly physical.
#2--For peace of mind, when I'm in a state of hormonal imbalance or 'abnormality' (pregnancy, nursing, not enough chocolate :) ....) I have a greater temptation to anger, frustration, impatience, and feeling like there's no end in site to my troubles. It took too many children for me to realize that I have to exercise mind over matter. I verbally tell Satan that he will not have the victory over my life, using this time to gain an upperhand. I set goals (sometimes very long term like "in 9 months when I'm finished nursing") for when I will let my apparent apathy be a matter that I will consider serious. In the meantime I consider myself on "autopilot" and plan to go through the motions of what I need to do and how I need to be and not be concerned about how I might feel about it. It may sound like I'm being hypocritical (going through the motions without the heart and purposing that I'm OK with that--call it determined obedience) but I think what I'm actually doing is letting Satan know that I will not allow him to gain a victory in my family and use me to hurt my children. You'd think that what would happen is that I would really be on that autopilot for months, but what has actually happened is that the positive and productive feelings and emotions came back to accompany the purposed behavior. Then it just amazes me at how awesome God is to give me such a gift when I was sure it would be months before I felt the relief.
So, I guess I feel that I not only call on God to fill my empty vessel, but I check to see if the emptiness is physical that affects the spiritual and also seeing if there's a way that I can remove any foothold that the Deceiver may have to get the upperhand.
I will pray that God erects a wall of protection around you in this vulnerable time.
Thank you, dear friends! I appreciate your honesty about your similar struggles and your wise advice about making it through these times. Thanks for letting me share both about what God is teaching me and where I just don't get it yet.
May God continue to use us to encourage each other and point us to him!
If it's any encouragement to you to hear of the struggles of another I'll tell you a very pertinent story (and try to be brief). Last Saturday, after a week of homeschooling, missing most of my hs son's football game on Fri night to take the little one's home to the warmth, and all of my college son's game on Saturday (to again keep the little ones home in the warmth) I was feeling a bit left out. Talked to me husband on the cell phone while he was at the game and we made plans to go out grocery shopping together when they all got home. This was to be the first "date" we've had since my birthday in July (when we went to a fast food restaurant, but that's another story) and I was pumped! He walked into the room where I was nursing the baby at about 7 PM and announced, "I'm going to my dad's with Chet to watch the Cardinals. I need to hurry because my mom's making burgers for us. Bye." Out he went, leaving me with a full house and an empty heart. How did I handle it? Poorly. I cried. Shopped without him. And had a bad attitude throughout. We talked it over eventually, and he DID apologize profusely. But, it was so hard to keep sin from dominating even when I knew I was losing the battle and not trying to overcome. I wanted to be mad. Anyway, it might help to know you're not alone with struggles...or it might be discouraging to know that after 22 years the battles can still rage...no, I think you expect that the fight goes on. Thankfully, Christ is the victor, the outcome is determined, and He has seen me through another trial.
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