My Battle

Did I just say I was doing well? What was that--3 days ago? Well, never mind. I am thankful that God gave me that "anniversary" to reflect on how far I've come in a year, but now it seems I've been thrown back down into the pit.

I saw a friend today at the grocery store who kindly and with great compassion listened to my condition report and pledged to pray for me. As I walked away I felt a sense of relief in having shared my struggle with someone who knows the battlefront well. But I was then suddenly overcome by a sense of despair as the thought rose up in me, "pray for what? I've tried that already. I've tried everything. What prayer is there for a day like this?"

As I explained to my friend, I am doing everything I can to avoid days like this one (and the past two): I eat well, run three times a week, take Omega-3's, injest a nasty whey protein shake every morning (actually, it's not that bad...except for the chunks), get enough sleep, and take a small dose of Zoloft. And, by God's grace, it has helped. As related in my last post, I have been granted relief from my depression and anxiety over this past year. But I am extremely sensitive to any changes going on in my body or hormones, and something tells me there may be a little ball of cells growing in my tummy that is throwing everything out of whack again. This is a wonderful, hoped for thing. But the change is causing a tumult within.

It is such a dark place, depression. There is no joy. No peace. My eyes look downward and my heart inward. I can barely look B in the eyes--it takes too much energy to relate to him. Every simplistic question from a demanding child grates on my nerves. I spew forth a steady stream of angry "don't!"s and "no!"s. No one can please me. I can't pray. God is far off and my heart is shut down.

At least it's not as bad as it has been in times pre-meds. At least I still want to be around people.

What I found myself asking the Lord this morning was, "what do I do when one of these days comes? How do I survive?" I need to figure this out.

I have learned that time with friends helps. And doing things I enjoy, like working on my blog, watching a fun show, sitting out in the sun. Time away is helpful as well, which, praise God! I will be doing this weekend at the homeschool convention. But some of these are not realistic options in the midst of a 12 hour day with the kids. I am desperate to figure out any other battle tactics that I can to survive until things are back in balance again.

Any suggestions?